Yesterday I woke up feeling kind of depressed. I mean, I’m almost always on the verge of depression but yesterday started off worse than most.
They say do a small task to make your surroundings more clean and it will help improve your mood. So I gave it a shot. Two loads of laundry done. Maybe a quarter pound of body hair removed and a long relaxing shower. After it all I felt worse.
I feel alone. I’m surrounded by people who care about me, but I still feel alone. I tried watching some TV. It didn’t help, none of it interested me. YouTube was a similar story. I looked at my vast library of steam games, none really appealed so I just sat there watching shapes scroll down a conveyor belt in a game called shapez.io. I just sat there in front of my keyboard doing nothing but occasionally reaching down and petting my dog who was asleep on a chair next to my desk.
Then it happened, a good friend who streams games went live. I quickly rushed over to her channel to say hi and hopefully break myself of this funk. I think it slightly got worse.
The problem I had wasn’t with her or her co-streamer. They have wonderful chemistry and they are both awesome people. The problem is with me.
At a young age I learned about rejection. It’s not fun, but I adapted. I told myself that I was happier by myself. Lone wolf. You can’t be rejected if you don’t put yourself in the position to be rejected. Yeah, everyone else has friends, but fuck them. I don’t need friends. I don’t need them…
But I did.
Whenever I’d find someone who liked my quirky sense of humor or my random ideas I’d cling on. Trying my hardest to not lose the little bit of companionship I’d found. But because I never had the social skills I’d end up inadvertently pushing them away.
So now here I am, 40 years old. I have a wife who loves me and I adore. But really that’s it. Again I love my wife with all my heart, she’s my rock. But a lot of our interests don’t seem to line up. She seems content to sit at home and enjoy her same TV shows over and over. Is this what life is? Work for 8 hours, go home and stare at an overpriced advertisement delivery device, eat cheap garbage, try to get in some awful sleep, and repeat?
That can’t be it.
I’m going to keep pushing on and hope for a brighter future. Because this ain’t it.