Dysphoria

I don’t “pass”, at least I don’t believe that I do, but I’m fairly confident in how I look. Some days I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and have to double take because the girl I saw was kind of cute.

One thing that really bothers me though is my voice. To me, my voice is awful. I know that if I don’t practice voice feminization it won’t get better but at the same time just hearing my voice makes me want to give up completely. They say, record yourself talking and listen to the results. When I try that out it almost always ends in tears.

One of the main reasons I stream on twitch is to force myself to talk, not just to myself but to a potential audience. Sure most of the talking is me criticizing my Tetris gameplay, but it’s something.

I have a hard time remembering to try to use a head voice. And when I do it feels disingenuous. Imposter syndrome hits and then I clam up. I find that if I drink, I am much more chatty, but I also forget to try to use a more feminine voice.

I can’t afford voice therapy, and the whole “heat from fire, fire from heat.” (If you know, you know) method doesn’t seem to work well for me. I want to get my insurance to cover voice therapy or surgery, but right now the medical system is so backed up and I’m still waiting to see someone about getting a WPATH letter so my insurance will actually pay for my treatments.

So for now, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing until something better comes along.

Scroll to Top